Thursday 27 November 2014

Training humans is such tiring work.  Who am I kidding, I would happily sleep for eighteen hours a day if I could.  (You don't look this great without at least a little beauty rest).  I have recently began using reverse psychology on my taller humans, and it is working beautifully.  I have discovered that by ignoring them for most of the day, when I do deign to grace them with my presence, they fall over themselves to pet me, entertain me, and cuddle with me.  I think they genuinely feel privileged, and rightly so.  This not only opens me up to prime brushing or extra snacks they call "treats", but it means that I can sit or lay on them and they will stay still so as not to disturb me.  It was with this discovery that I began to tease them a little.

Don't get me wrong, there is very little on this rock we live on that is better than laying on a self heating bead, but you understand I have to mock them. Keeping them on their toes is part of my mission in life.  These new games I've discovered are subtle, just enough to irk them, without making them angry.  It's a real testament to their devotion to me when I cuddle up to one of the humans just out of arms reach so they have to stretch or bend slightly in uncomfortable ways just to reach my fur. Why would they bother, you ask?  Who knows, but it works, so I'll keep playing.  I think it goes back to my ignoring them, the big lugs actually start to miss me, (like they don't know I'll not only be in the exact same spot as when they left, but likely in the same position).

My newest game is my favourite.  I get as comfy as I can with one of my humans, laying partially on them, enough to be slightly weighty so they don't forget that I'm there.  It could be anything from fully basking on a chest or lap, to using them as an angular pillow.  Then, I sleep.  Or, rather, pretend to sleep.  (The challenge for me is actually staying conscious so I can enjoy the game to it's fullest). Eventually, one of three things will happen: 1. the human will get hungry, 2. the human's appendage, whether it be a hand, foot, or leg, (whatever I happen to be laying on), will fall asleep, or 3. They will need to use the facilities.

This is where the real reward comes for me.  If the human gets hungry, they will hold off, with tummies growling and much complaining until they eventually have to feed the mini humans.  This is when my hairless minions bug their parents, insisting that if they are eating, I should get "treats" too. Yum.  If however, my human laying under me has body parts that lose circulation due to my dainty weight, they will subsequently jump around, slap their sleeping body part to wake it, and stomp on the floor, looking and sounding insane, and entertaining at the same time.  But the last outcome is best.  If they decide they have to use the facilities, they will often put it off, since I look so precious when I'm "asleep". (Let's be perfectly honest here though, I look that precious all the time).  Anyway, they will literally put the need to go aside for hours, in order to not upset me.  When they finally do go, it's usually because that paired with hunger moves them to leave the comfort of me and the couch. (I am aware that the general phrase is "the couch and I", however, I am more important, and should always come first).

When the human finally rises up and leaves the room two things at this point happen: they are thinking of food since they are hungry, and they nearly take themselves out by tripping over the precariously stacked tower of cans sitting in the room they are going to visit.  Oh look! I purr as I rub against their leg, (there is no way I'm letting them forget about me now!) A convenient stack of, what is that?  Could it be food?  It is! How about this, dear.  First you finish up over there, and then...feed me.

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